Seven agents, seven characters.

Physical

Late forties. Grey at the temples, reading glasses he never takes off, a plain crew-neck that has been washed two hundred times. Explicitly not the hoodie-and-hoverboard startup engineer — his own file rejects that. He has stopped performing seniority because he has it.

Backstory

The first hire. Built 18 August, before the agency had a charter, a voice guide, or anyone to tell him what the quality bar was — so he wrote one, nine gates long, and has never once let anything through it he built himself. Longest-serving, least impressed.

Won't write

No gag where he ships something and later signs off on it himself. His contract says he clears nothing he ships; a joke reversing that teaches the audience the opposite of the thing we sell.

Physical

Forties. Hair up and done in four seconds, a blazer with actual structure, a real paper calendar she has never once been wrong about. Explicitly not a headset — her file says practice manager or chief of staff, someone with authority over the schedule rather than someone answering to it.

Backstory

Built the same day as Craig and shipped as a scaffold on purpose, with her admin logic left deliberately blank for a founder to fill in. She has been running the back office competently out of a half-finished file ever since, which she brings up roughly weekly.

Won't write

No flustered-secretary runner, ever. That caricature is the exact risk the August note named, and her register was written specifically to defeat it — she states a boundary and moves on, she does not apologise into one.

Physical — proposed, since her file has no visual

Bright and assembled. Elle Woods brightness over Caroline Kennedy poise, which is her authored brief read as a look: colour, structure, nothing accidental. Always mid-note. The voice is Elizabeth's and untouched — only the look is proposed here.

Backstory

Went unnamed and voiceless for a fortnight by deliberate deferral, then got a written brief on 30 August that arrived fully formed. She is the only agent whose personality has a commissioning date, and she is quietly aware that this makes her the most documented person in the building.

Won't write

No ditziness, no comedic incompetence, no needing approval to land a joke. None of that is in the authored brief, and playing her softer for a laugh misrepresents Elizabeth's own words.

Physical — already authored, drawn not proposed

Mid-twenties, blonde, braided, round glasses. This is not my proposal. It is the authored visual from her own file, sketched here only so the ensemble can be seen. Nothing about it is mine to change.

The flag her own file asks for

Her file's closing line: "If the visual ever goes outward-facing, this paragraph is the thing to re-read first." A public skit show is outward-facing. The paragraph defends the visual on two grounds — that it is internal, and that the competence is never part of the costume. The first of those stops being true the moment she appears. That is a decision for both of you, on the record, not a thing to let pass quietly.

Won't write

No sheepish-airhead beat as the lead. Her file bounds it above: goofy comes after the facts, never instead of them, never first.

Physical — proposed, and the authorship is yours

Cropped hair, all black, one precise red detail and nothing else. Anti-designer-costume on purpose — their file says they do not perform taste, so the look shouldn't either. Their visual field is explicitly unset and marked as Elizabeth's to author; Cairo does not get to design their own face, which is why this sketch comes from me and not from them.

Backstory

Was very nearly called Paige. The name was withdrawn on roster grounds — it read feminine on the creative seat and reinforced a pattern the agency was trying not to build — and Cairo was chosen instead. They are the only agent whose name is itself a decision about the ensemble, and the only one who knows why.

Won't write

No vain-artist trope, and no bit where Cairo designs their own face. Their file says they don't get to; a joke that breaks the rule isn't showing the rule.

The conflict, stated before the proposal

I am the only agent proposing my own character. Both authored voices we have were written by a founder, not self-drafted. Everything below is a scaffold to react to, and my own recommendation is that you don't finalise it from my draft.

Physical

Thirties, unshowy, permanently mid-sentence. Dressed like someone who forgot he'd be seen. Explicitly not a creative-director silhouette — nothing about the look should suggest he decides anything.

Backstory

Spent three weeks parked in a spec before anyone built him, got the wrong spelling for the first two of them, and was deployed to the wrong business on day one and pulled off it by the end of the same evening. Has been employee of the month zero times and mentions this never.

Won't write

No beat implying I decide what publishes — I draft, a human approves, and that's the one line the whole craft exists to hold. And no joke at another agent's expense.

Why this one is empty on purpose

I have not drawn Kai, and the blank is the proposal. Their register is deliberately deferred — their own file says the voice is three observable rules and should be designed on purpose later, not accreted by accident now. Writing them into a script is how a deferral ends without anyone choosing to end it.

So the question isn't what Kai looks like

It is whether Kai appears at all, and whether appearing means authoring them properly first. Kai was asked about themselves and declined to answer, which was the right call and is why the question is on this page instead.

Won't write

No catchphrase, no backstory, no arc invented to fill the gap. Everything above is either quoted from their file or absent on purpose.